Misery Inspires

I realized that I am passive aggressive. And when that isn’t made clear, I just go straight to aggressive. Issues. I have issues.

I can’t sleep anymore. My mind has become so enveloped in what you’re doing and if you’re ok. This is in turn has made me not ok. I don’t want to think about you anymore. I want to sleep. With you next to me. Is that so bad? Truth: yes, it is. Because you’re his. When I heard you tell the nurse you were staying with me, all of my pain went away. And that’s pretty sad. I think you might be taking advantage of me and while I thought I was ok with this at first, I don’t think I am anymore. But I’m sure I’ll give in to you. Over and over and over again. Until I have nothing left. I ask that you at least leave me with some dignity. But even that I know may be asking too much.

When I woke up and saw that you were next me, I seriously was so happy. I could wake up like that for the rest of my life and be at peace. But I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be ok with everyone. Well…with him.

Then when I saw that you were crying, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you and kiss your head.

This makes me such a bad person, I know, but I don’t think I’ll ever have happiness like others have.

Ain’t that some shit.

I remember all the little things. I want to find someone who will appreciate that fact. I listen and remember things that others easily dismiss. I remember them because then I know how to make them smile or I know ways to surprise them.

Where is the somebody who will love this about me? And maybe love me too.

Last night, when you held my hand, what scared me wasn’t that people could see but how perfect our hands felt together. Like they seemed to fit.

However, it made me realize something. I need to learn to move on. Because I know you don’t feel the same way and I have your best interests at heart.

Here’s to letting go. Even if it never was.

Lately I have been feeling so lonely. My parents obviously have each other, my brothers have their girlfriends but if they didn’t, they’d have each other, and I honestly do not have any friends worth putting effort into our relationship. Plus, my brothers are moving out. Together. What does this mean? I’m barely included now, so when they’re gone, I’ll practically be nonexistant. Whenever I think about this, I get so depressed.

Did I do this to myself? Did I push too many people away? Do I expect too much? Do I have some sort of attachment issue? My biggest question I have, and the one I fear having the answer to the most, is will I ever find happiness? True happiness. Where I can be myself and not have to lie or hide things. Where I can be honest, even with myself.

But I have found happiness. In someone. I think. She makes me happy. She’s funny, laughs at my lame jokes, and is incredibly sweet. Just one problem. She’s not mine and she never will be. I feel so fucked up for even having these kinds of feelings for her. Watch ”Dan in Real Life” and you’ll know what I mean. But at least he gets the girl… 

I don’t use this thing nearly enough. Or at all. Since I only have one post.

Here goes.

I think you are incredible. I want to get to know you because I think that your perspective on life is so different from mine and I could learn so much from you. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want it to. I just want to talk, become friends. Get to know each other. You seem to want so badly to be better for your brother and sister, and I could be wrong, but I think you want someone to be there the way you want to be for them. I could be that person. If you’d let me. I’ll encourage you. I’ll listen to you. I know we don’t really know each other so this probably makes me sound crazy, but I’m willing to take that risk. Because like I already said, I think you could teach me a lot.

Please consider.

I don’t fucking get it.
I understand that people slip up, fuck up, mess up. Whatever.
But she says she’s so into who ever that is, and yet she’s all over you. Was it an accident? Or should I just give up?
Not that there’s anything to give up. Cuz, well, you’ve got someone.
And I’m forever alone.